How to Win a Drinking Competition

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dunzo

There are many watershed moments in one’s lifetime. The first steps, first words, first day of school, first love, etc etc. But when you’re a master drinker like myself, there’s only one moment that can outshine them all: winning your first drink-off.

Over the weekend, I participated in a drink-off at the home of a co-worker. Against the advice of mutual friends, my opponent (who will remain anonymous for the sake of his pride and dignity) challenged me over a month ago. Things did not turn out well for him. Can’t say he wasn’t warned.

Let me, a recent drinking champion, give you some tips to help you win your own drinking competition and, might I add, look good doing it.

DO know your competition – As with every battle, knowing your competition is crucial to making it out alive. There are many questions to ask yourself and others before taking that first shot. Have you drank with that person before? If so, how was it? If not, do you know anyone who has? How was that?  Do a Google search. Is that person’s Instagram laced with photos of alcohol (like mine?). Get the skinny and if you find out that your rival has an alcohol blog, a booze column and may also be an intern in the booze industry (just sayin’), you might want to rethink your strategy. I take that back – pull out all together.

DON’T underestimate your competiton (unless they deserve it) – My opponent thought he was sure win because of my 5’1, 130 pound stature. Well…

DON’T have your drink-off at a bar – First off, it’s not very cost effective and secondly, it doesn’t give the loser many options when he’s face down on the floor. The last thing a winner wants to do after a victory is shell out cab money for the weak.

DO drink in a safe place –We ended up bringing our own bottles of tequila to a co-worker’s house party and got it popping there. Not only did this save us money, but I also knew he would be around good people when I spit out his demolished liver.

DO drink water – Don’t die.

DON’T take shots back to back – Nothing is worse than a knockout in the first round and drink-offs are no exception. Pace your drinks/shots with a nice cushion of time between each one. In this case, we took a shot or two every 10-15 minutes. Remember, while taking 10 shots in five minutes may make you look badass at first, it’ll only end up with ending prematurely and no one likes those – under any circumstances.

And last but not least

DO invite your friends with camera phones

Because you can be the slickest talker around but a photo of your sweaty opponent passed out next to a puke bucket really speaks for itself.

(be safe!)

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